Not Without You
by Crimson2678
Summary: A late night conversation between two broken souls. Warning Yaoi! Pairing B/S


Title: Not Without You

Author: Crimson2678

Series: Weib Kruez

Rated: Severe R

Disclaimer: Weib Kruez and its characters does not belong to me. Though the poem at the end, and Rye Matsumoto does *sigh*. 

Author's warnings: This has S&M and is graphic male/male sex. Also is OOC, though I need them this way for this PWP.

A/N: This story is the result of a yaoi-fic challenge between me and my cousin, who refuses to post her yaoi story. 

***

When I was younger, whenever I was feeling confused or scared, me and my older sister Catherine would go out to the middle of the big field behind our house and just stare up at the sky. Catherine always used to say that every problem on the earth could be solved by just staring at the sky, and by making a wish on a shooting star you would get anything you wanted. At that time I had been little and had wished for everything, from having a lot of money to having a pretty wife. My sister had only laughed and made her wishes too, though I guess the stars were listening only to me since most of my wishes were granted. Even though I didn't have my sister anymore, there was still the stars. Every time I looked at the stars after the death of my sister, I felt alone, I still did. Though now, sometimes looking at the stars would make me feel calm, like my sister was up in the stars playing among them.

_Hey Brad! Can you see me? Look right over there, I'm right there in the Big Dipper, tasting the soup! Aww come on, don't cry Brad, don't cry. Can't you see I'm painting the stars for you? Which color? Red? Blue? Maybe green? Just not pink Brad, you know how I hate pink..._

I can almost hear my sister speaking the words in my head as I get out of bed, slipping on a pair of blue pajama pants. Once again, it's time to go stare at the stars. Glancing at the clock, I realize that it's four o'clock, no wonder it's so quiet in the house. Though nowadays it usually this quiet, even during the day. With Nagi spending most of his time at Bombay's apartment, Farferello currently in Ireland with his sanity intact and a new lease on life, only Shuldig and I frequent the house. Well at least, Shuldig used to. Nowadays he spends most of his time at his boyfriend's house, Not that I care. It doesn't matter to me if he boyfriend get him so drunk that he can barely walk straight let alone get to the house on his own. Or brings him home and throws him on the porch which means //I// have to get up and let him in. Or...

Okay, so maybe I do care a little bit.

Walking out onto the balcony, I look up at the stars, eyes glancing over at the Big Dipper. Foolishly I try and imagine that my sister is actually swimming around in the soup inside the Big Dipper, and I find myself wishing that I could be up there with her. Sometimes, when I think about it too much, I contemplate just leaning a little //too// much over the railing, just enough to fall. Though I'm sure that if my sister could kick my ass in this world, she could still kick my ass in the spirit world, and I know killing myself would make her seriously kick my ass. So I just stand here and stare at the sky, searching the stars and sighing quietly to myself. And all though I couldn't help it, my thoughts shifted towards a certain redhead that I usually found myself thinking about all the time now.

Ever since the fall of Esset, Shuldig's powers had been growing weaker and weaker. The Mastermind no more, Shuldig spent more and more time to himself, his attitude becoming less and less like the old Shuldig. All though none of us could explain it, I thought that it was just Shuldig's true personality finally overcoming the Mastermind. For the Mastermind had been a product of Esset, while as this newer, meeker and quiet Shuldig was his real self. This Shuldig was quick to tears, and also, a lot more emotionally unstable than the other Shuldig. Sometimes I wondered if Shuldig had a multiple personalities disorder, or if he was just try and find the role that suited him best. Though why he had chosen to make himself vulnerable, meek, and weak I did not know. 

It was also then that Shuldig began to get these 'episodes' where he would become prone to panic attacks or have mild seizures. It was because of his episodes that Shuldig rarely went out anywhere anymore. He was no longer able to hold up his mental walls, which would result in him becoming overwhelmed by the voices. Sometimes, late at night, I would wonder just what that so-called boyfriend of his did if Shuldig ever had an episode. Knowing him, he would probably just leave Shuldig to suffer alone while he found some other body to screw.

Although I didn't know why, although Nagi says I'm just jealous, I can't stand Shuldig's boyfriend. Rye Matsumoto. A rich prick who also used to work for Esset, he was a pre-cog, the same as me. Also like me, Rye was part American, which is where I'm sure he got that arrogant ass attitude of his. He was at least thirty years old, six feet tall, with a muscular frame. He had dark purple hair and a tanned complexion. There was always a shit-eating grin on his face (which reminded me of the old Shuldig, well, sort of), and there was a cocky I'm-better-than-you attitude to him. According to Rye, he liked his partners young, quiet, and pretty, and since Shuldig had fit that description, he was enough to fill that current position. 

Though what I hated the most was the way Rye treated Shuldig. Now I myself have been known as the king of bastards, but I think Rye just ups the bar. For one, whenever the prick comes over, he insist that Shuldig do everything, saying that it is proper for a //woman// to do everything for her man. Which made me want to break that pretty little nose of his then and there, but Shuldig had mentally told me that punching him was not needed, and that he didn't mind. The little fucker had insulted Shuldig right there and Shuldig could only say that he didn't mind?! It was outrageous to me! The old Shuldig would have beat the hell out of the guy. The old Shuldig would not sit back and allow his lover to call him faggot and other names that would anger even the most peaceful of men. The old Shuldig would not allow his lover to run every aspect of his life.

This new Shuldig was a masochist, and although it hurts me to think about it, it was the same way Shuldig acted with me. And maybe, the reason I hated Rye so much was because I had treated Shuldig the same exact way.

I tensed as I felt a slim hand slid into my, a cold hand gripping my hand for warmth. Smiling, I brought Shuldig's hand up to my mouth, kissing it tenderly. By being around this Shuldig, I had learned patience and gentleness, something I had felt only around my sister. I could feel Shuldig lean wearily against me, a sigh escaping his lips as he pressed his head against my shoulder. I could feel the sadness basically radiating off him, and at that moment I wanted to carry him to the bed and kiss all of his fears and troubles away. Being around this Shuldig had made me soft, though if only I had had that softness, maybe I would have never lost him. I guess I learned too little a whole lot too late.

" Rye-sama wants me to move in with him" Shuldig said in a soft, meek voice, pressing his face into my shoulders.

From the way he said it, I could tell the request had been a demand. Another thing I hated about Rye was that Shuldig had call him 'Rye-sama', his punishment for forgetting to call him that would be either a hard pinch or a sharp slap. The first time he had introduced us to Rye, he had accidentally called him "Rye-koi", he had promptly been slapped so hard that he had fallen to the floor and saw stars. That was the first time I had meet with Rye-san, and already I had wanted to kill him, though I had settled for fighting him. Good enough for me, pretty boy knew nothing when it came to fighting, not having received the same training as I. The end results had been Rye receiving a black eye and a broken and bloody nose, though the price Shuldig had to pay later was soon shown when he came home with a black eye. He had sworn that he had tripped.

" Are you going to?" I asked, knowing already knowing the answer. 

" Yes" Shuldig answered, which sounded more like a sob.

Even though Shuldig didn't voice it, I knew he didn't have that much of a choice. If he didn't go and live with Rye, the man would be furious and probably make him, so either way he was stuck. As to why Shuldig didn't just leave, this Shuldig was afraid to be alone, afraid to be hurt again. This Shuldig just wanted to be protected, and for some reason he believed that he was going to be protected in Rye arms. I choose to let Shuldig live in those delusions. 

Turning Shuldig so that he faced me, I pulled him close to me, allowing him to bury his face into my bare chest and cry. It didn't matter at the moment that he was pressed so deliriously close to my body, nor the fact that if I wanted him, I could just take him. All that matter was to make him feel safe and loved. I didn't know what was it that made me want to protect him so badly. Maybe, maybe it was because my sister was staring down at me, directing my body as what to do and say.

" Brad, I'm so scared" Shuldig whispered, looking up at me.

The look in his eyes made my heart want to break. Those jade eyes filled with tears, his eyes slightly puffed from crying, his face red and tear-streaked. For some reason it turned me on more than any act of seduction could. And before I was able to stop myself, I was bending down, gripping his chin so that his face was looking up at me. I could see him close his eyes as I came closer, his hands settling at my waist. My mouth settling over his gently, not in the bruising fight for dominance that it used to be between us. I hadn't even realized that his mouth was closed until I snaked my tongue out, flicking my tongue against his lower lip. Sighing into the kiss, Shuldig opened his mouth, I felt him tense up slightly as my tongue entered his mouth. Gods, I thought, just how long had it been since I'd held Shuldig and kissed him?! 

After a few minutes I broke our kiss, knowing that if I continued, I would no longer be able to restrain myself. I stroked Shuldig's face tenderly with the back of my hand. The same hand I had used so many times to backhand him, or to hurt him. I pushed away that thought before it could settle into my mind fully. For just as many times as I had caused Shuldig pain, hadn't I as many times caused him so much pleasure? Shuldig was looking up at me with cutest look of confusion on his face, and for once I realized how youthful he looked.

" Don't be scared Shu. Tomorrow you'll be with the person you love and you'll be truly happy. There's no need to cry" I whispered to him, bending down to kiss the top of his head.

Shuldig gripped my arms and threw himself at me, pressing himself tightly against me once again. His tears once again wetted my chest as he pressed his cheek against my chest, rubbing it like a puppy seeking affection. " Just tell me," he whispered back, looking up at me, " Just tell me to stay and I'll never leave. I'll do anything you want, please, all you have to do is just say the word and I'll never leave."

Smiling sadly, I tilted Shu's head up, brushing away his tears with my thumb, then leaning down to kiss his eyelids, like I had once done when he was asleep. Cupping his cheek in my hand, I pressed my lips to his ear. " That's not for me to say, Shu-chan. Your just upset, don't make such hasty decisions. You know what it was like the first time, lets not make that mistake again, ne?"

Nodding his head numbly, I watch as he smiles, a true smile. Leaning up, Shuldig kisses my lips softly and chastely, and I have to resist the urge to grab those slim hips of his and give him a real kiss. Though as I notice that he has not left my lips yet, I reached forward and pressed him to me, gripping his hips so tightly that I know there will be bruises. Something in me screams to grab and never let him go, to scream ' I love you!'. While another part of me knows its right to let him go, so that I can never hurt him again. I deepen our kiss, knowing that this will truly be the last time, straying my hands down to grab at his butt, squeezing so hard that I hear him cry out in both a mix of pain and pleasure. Without thinking I grind myself into him, pressing him back against the rail of the balcony, grinding myself harder into him.

" B...Brad!" Shuldig cried out, wrapping his arms around my neck, and pressing himself against me closely also. 

Just this one moment, under the full moon and all the stars, this one last time with him. I don't know why, but I can feel somewhere in the back of my mind that if I let him go now, I'll never be able to hold him again. But none of that matters, the only that matters is the way how Shuldig's mouth opens in a soundless scream as I ground myself against him, lifting him up and wrapping his long legs around my waist. 

" Just this one last time Shu-chan, then you leave me forever" I whispered, tears in my eyes, my tears mixing in with his own.

Our lovemaking is slow and yet frenzied at the same time, each wanting to savor this moment forever, both knowing in our mind that this will be the last time. I counted his many 'little deaths' as he would fall limply in my arms as we both waited for the other to recover. I knew that this was foolish, seeing as how in the morning Shun would be sore, though I couldn't stop myself. After our eight time, and as the stars began to wrap themselves in their blanket, I finally released myself into Shuldig, who by now was nearly fainting.

" I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you" Shuldig chanted as I held him.

As the stars disappeared from the light of the sun, Shuldig made his way towards my bed. It had been on my request, for I wanted to watch him as he slept. I looked up in time to see a shooting star, my sister's tear. I wonder though, was she crying for me, and the fact that soon I would have nothing but these memories and my own unhappiness?. Or was she crying for Shuldig, for she too knew the fate that he would suffer?

As I watched Shuldig sleep, a slight smile on his face, I wondered how many of these 'little deaths' would he have before he truly died? How many times would he allow himself to be used by those who had no feeling for him? And when would Shuldig realize that? Or, better yet, how long would it take before I realized it? Brushing a strand of hair from his face, I crept into bed, pulling him close to me. For some reason, I wanted to cry, though for the life of me I did not know why. I watched him, trying to memorize every inch of his body. That lovely heart-shaped face, his slightly muscled torso, those long shapely legs. I wonder what I would miss most. Would it be those long legs of his that gripped me so tightly as I pressed myself between, how they never seemed to shut for me? Or would it be the way he looked when he climaxed, how his eyes would turn a darker color of jade and go out of focus? Maybe it was his voice, the way he sound as he cried out my name or moaned? As I counted off the things I would miss, I kissed every inch of his body. Starting with his forehead, then down to his nose, and those shapely lips that were now swollen from much lovemaking. Onward to his chest, spending time to kiss and nibble at his nipples, down to his belly button where I tongue-fucked him until he was crying out. Then downwards some more past his now dripping and swollen erection, kissing his shapely thighs and eve down to his feet. Yes, I Bradley Crawford kisses feet! Then as he lay there flushed with desire, his erection dripping, I listened for a moment as he cooed softly and made those beautiful purring noises. As he lay there tenderly stroking himself, too tired to do anything more, I gathered his wrist and gently tied him to the bed. His eyes fluttered as they opened, I calmed him with gentle words and light touches. Then I picked up my camera from it's place inside my desk, and began to take pictures of him. He was surprised, and also, very embarrassed, a wide blush spreading over his cheeks. 

Then as I laid the camera back into it's place, I removed my belt from it's resting place on the desk. Shuldig hardly responded to the first lash I cruelly laid upon his spent body. By the fourth and fifth lash, he was bleeding, his eyes glazed over as he begged me to stop. Though I didn't, continue with the whipping until there was blood covering his chest. It was then that I laid over him, licking tenderly at his wounds, until he was cooing and purring, wrapping those long legs around my waist. All though Shuldig was with that son of a bitch Rye, he would always love me. And only me.

As I took him for the ninth time this night, I was not gentle, cruelly plunging into him with no preparation other than what was still usable from the first eight bouts. His screams of pleasure were beautiful music to my ears. Oh how exquisite he sounded! I loved hearing his screams and cries of pain turn to moans of pure lust, as his blood from him, coating my member and my thighs. This was the Shuldig I loved, how his eyes turned dark and he gained a faraway look. I knew he was retreating into his mind, to escape the pain, though as I slowed my movements, kissing him softly and cooing at him, his eyes was again focused themselves.

" W..Why?" he choked out, burying his face into my neck.

As I thrust into him again, making sure that with this thrust he felt true pleasure, the next could be pain, I whispered, " So that you remember just who it is that can break you, and.... can make you whole."

It was then that I watched him shatter again, his cries turning completely to cries of pleasure. I knew that he was mine. No matter how many people came and took him from me, in this life and the next, Shuldig would be all mine. I owned him, it was to me he belonged. Forever and now. And I was sure that he would understand.

" You will die a thousand deaths, and then, you shall rise, and be forever mine" I whispered, as I began to shatter him completely. His screams of pain and love filling me as nothing else could.

_Tomorrow may never come, so we turn instead to the sun_

The path to the future, is gone, all we have is today

Only I can make you whole, only I can make you shatter

Though in the end, when you have died, and your life begins anew

I will follow you, and only you, for without you, I am truly nothing.......

A/N: Oh dear god where did this come from?! Okay first off, this (points at fic) was supposed to be a happy story, but somehow during the writing of this story, something very weird happened. Not to metion that this was wrote at four in the morning while watching the music video to Malice Mizer's Illuminati. Anyhoo, please review. Oh and one more thing, if any of you reviewers like to MST things, please, please MST this for me. I'd love to see this fic MST'ed.


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